Selves Making Stories Making Selves
This is an adapted excerpt from For Real: Helping Children Remain Their Authentic Selves in a Limiting World by Alexander Kopelman, reprinted with permission from the author and publisher.
Phillip Pullman, the beloved author of The Golden Compass and a whole universe of best-selling fantasy books, is often quoted as saying, “After nourishment, shelter, and companionship, stories are the thing we need most in the world.” Stories are essential to us as a species, to our cultures, communities, and families. Storytelling has played a central role in our evolution. It is one of the defining characteristics of humankind.
“For narrative identity, it is not so much what is remembered that is critical, as how memories are expressed—what researchers term narrative meaning-making,” explain Dr. Robyn Fivush and her co-authors in the article Ongoing narrative meaning-making within events and across the life span. “Individuals who express more coherent, evaluative narratives show lower levels of maladaptive functioning (i.e., depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and anxiety) and higher levels of adaptive functioning (i.e., subjective sense of well-being, meaning, and purpose in life).”
What is particularly important to note for the project of supporting children in exploring and developing their authentic selves is the fact that kids need our involvement to engage in and develop the skills of narrative meaning-making. “Children begin referencing the past almost as soon as they begin talking,” write Dr. Fivush and her colleagues. “From toddlerhood on, children’s early recollections include emotional and evaluative content that provide a foundation for richer reminiscing in later development; however, these early attempts at reminiscing are limited in coherence and emotional richness . . . at this early point in development, most narrative meaning-making is co-constructed with assistance from sensitive [adult] scaffolding.”
We have to be mindful, of course, to make sure that the language and the details of the stories we share with children are developmentally appropriate. I find the metaphor of scaffolding especially useful in thinking about the interplay between adults’ stories and children’s stories. We can picture children busily at work constructing their narrative identities. These structures are a little unsteady, since the kids are learning as they go about how the pieces fit together, what works and what doesn’t. Now picture that these emerging structures are supported by a framework of scaffolding made of adults’ stories. The external support offers stability, while the internal coherence and strength develops. The scaffolding flexes and grows with each child’s narrative structure until that structure stands on its own and the scaffolding is no longer necessary.
Childhood is not easy. To support children’s authentic development, we must own up to that truth and help kids acknowledge it in the stories they tell about their lives. The most powerful way to do that is to share our own stories of challenges and struggles.
It takes courage and strength to show up as our whole selves and to tell our stories. When we are authentic with kids, we enable kids to be authentic with us. That is the first step to building truly meaningful adult-child relationships that foster well-being and learning. In the end, that is what this work is about.
About the Author Alexander Kopelman is a writer, social entrepreneur, advocate, and coach who has devoted 40 years to advancing social justice and personal empowerment. His lifelong interest in identity, self-determination, and the power of narrative has fueled his commitment to supporting young people in overcoming the limiting effects of outmoded societal stereotypes on individual development. As founding President and CEO of Children’s Arts Guild, Kopelman helped create and grow a nonprofit organization that supports children in exploring and developing their authentic selves. Prior to founding Children’s Arts Guild, Kopelman served as Director of Marketing for Girls Inc., the premier girls’ empowerment organization in the US and Canada, for over 12 years. Kopelman has authored and co-authored 10 books, including For Real: Helping Children Remain Their Authentic Selves in a Limiting World {Page Two, June 9, 2026]. He lives in New York City with his wife, daughter, and very small dog.
